Words were originally magic
9th November 2021
With our words and body language, we can make others laugh and smile, or drive them to despair.
In my work as a mediator and a counsellor, I have often seen how poor communication can have very negative consequences on health and wellbeing. It has negative impacts not only for the person on the receiving end, but also for the communicator and everyone else in the vicinity.
What do I mean by poor communication? In summary, communication which leaves the recipient feeling, confused, diminished or manipulated. The inevitable consequences of such communication are anger and fear. Once these genies are out of the bottle they affect everyone and it can be very difficult to get them back in.
Fortunately, it is also true that learning very simple changes to the way we communicate can vastly improve relationships.
Learning to listen
I learned a lot about good communication skills from assertiveness training. You may think that training to be “assertive” is all about learning to get your own way. However, assertiveness is quite the opposite: an assertive person listens to and takes heed of other people’s feelings and opinions. I summarise assertiveness as:
- having the ability to express your own feelings, opinions, desires and needs in an appropriate way, while
- recognising and accepting that other people have feelings, opinions, desires and needs which may well be different from your own; and
- encouraging and promoting assertiveness in others.
Whilst it is not always easy to reconcile differing feelings, opinions, desires and needs, it is my experience that when there is a respectful free flow of communication, people have better relationships, work together more successfully, and feel happier.
There are two aspects to assertiveness: learning how to communicate clearly and honestly ourselves, and learning how to to deal with and respond to other people’s confusing, aggressive or manipulative behaviour.
Assertiveness training provides many simple techniques which we can learn and which make both aspects of our communications more successful. They have helped me considerably over the years and I have passed them on to many of my clients.
The more people who are confident and happy and able to communicate clearly and honestly the better for all of us: a rising tide lifts all boats!
I (Roger Gilbert) have worked as a coach and therapist for over thirty years. For more information please see my coaching website – rogergilbert.co.uk